Annihilation

I have learnt forgiving people. People that hurt you beyond repair. People whom you had called you your own. I have always made good everything. As if nothing had happened. As if nothing existed beyond my goodness. Because without forgiving I will get so angry that I could almost destroy anything that comes on my way.
There can be minds so soft that could be hurt by the smallest of things. I wonder why these minds exist if there's no one to understand them until that softness is gone and is replaced by a hard shell. Still the mind makes the same mistake every time of letting "own people" touch its softer core. Gets hurt, hardens by another layer. Layer by layer hardens until all that is left is hardened ash. Ash so black it it could digest every thing from planets to solar systems, mightier than the black hole...

Boondon kay moti

There have been these unconventional bollywood romantic numbers that I would always fall for. The latest one is " Boondon kay moti" from Wake up Sid. I would list the rest of them them in a minute but before that I need to release  the ecstasy that comes to me everytime I listen to the line " Yun..ki tai kar na payun main, Dil ki baat main hawaake zariya pohuchayun re, Ya khud hawa pe chadh k ayun re..." from this song. The video shows the beautiful Mumbai  rains wherein Ranbir and Kankona cherish both the raindrops and their love. I can't say it feels exactly the same when you realize the other person "loves" you too but I would like to believe it does so.

Like a year or two back its was Ash and her sisters in white, dancing in the rain in some hilltop in Himachal (yes in  the title track of Taal). I had seen it many times before but it was only in the warm April afternoon of 2011 sitting in a darkened room, staring at the video with days to go for my part 3 finals that something dawned upon me about the movie. There was something about matching the rhythm of your souls. What a beautiful way to look at togetherness. With both the protagonists in Taal being graduates in music, the matching of vibes goes perhaps maybe on in another dimension.  In that song " Taal se taal milaa" Ash is searching for someone with whom she'll feel like one, when the rhythms will be perfectly synchronised and life will seem like a beautiful music thereon.

 Then there is "Bin tere kya hai jeena" from Woh Lamhe. How the patient Ahuja takes care of and tends a schizophrenic Kangna like a parent showcases love in another different dimension. This is also very close to the heart because I have two very close people in my life who kinda resemble Ahuja and Kangana in this movie.
There's "Tumse hi" from JWB, not as soul-stirring but stirring all the same. Background- rains again. Shahid feels Kareena to be there with him always ,guiding him. Love is inspiration here. It is a motivation in the true sense of the word.

This list could go on and on. But this discussion won't be complete without " Der lagi lekin' from ZNMD. No  rains here. But equally soul-stirring as the others mentioned above. This song comes at a time in the movie when two of the protagonists realize the true meaning of their existence, find their way in life. Put special emphasis on '' Ab maine yeh jaana hai, khushi hai kya, gham kya....Dono hi do pal ki hai rutein na yeh thehre na rookein..Zindagi do rangon se bane..ab roothein ab mane..yehi to hai yehi to hai yahaan". Sometime back I was lost and I would listen to this number and would not exactly find a way but atleast start searching for it with the confidence that I WILL find it.. the way. Such is the power of this song.
There's 'Sawali si raat ho" from Barfi that could make you sit for hours in the dark and listen to it. Love without words..isn't that like magic. Since communication forms such an important part of loving someone, if you can express everything without words then it must be an other-worldly experience where silence reigns supreme and emotions are exchanged through eyes.
Bollywood is a part of who I am. I remember when I was eight and I had 2-3 diaries full of lyrics of Bollywood songs. I didn't understand all of the lyrics but had them by heart anyway. Our group of 4 girls would compete amongst ourselves on who could memorise the maximum amount of lyrics from the latest B'wood songs. This craziness reached its peak with Kaho na Pyaar Hai. The song "Kyun Chalti hai Pawan" had grabbed my attention the most those days. It was Hritik's bespectacled-car-driving-in-New-Zealand look and the beautiful lines that would play in the background. I would listen to it day in and out in a sony tape-recorder( now obsolete) and spend all my pocket money buying stickers of HR and stick them on the back pages ( egotist me, I would never buy posters and stick them on the walls of my room - I wouldn't like to show the world that i had fallen hard for this guy) of my Diary.

Shit, i have strayed away from what I had started with. I was just celebrating this song from WUS. Yes, right now and for the next few days this is the song that will guide my life and thoughts. I think I have fallen for Ranbir( I know he looks very childish in this video). Even though, I won't like to admit it.

P.S. 1) A friend of mine said I kind of resembled Konkona in this song. I don't think I do. After all, being an independent young woman is harder in Delhi than in Mumbai, I believe.
2) I could have changed the name of the post, now that I have strayed far away from what I had intended to convey, but I won't.
3) Bollywood style romance happens. If you've watched and followed Bollywood all your life and still not have any of it in your real life, not even in your head with someone whom you love, its not sad. Its just that I am over-imaginative.
4) Forgive me my taking the actors' name and not the protagonists in the movies that i have described. I realize now how real I think these characters to be.
5) I think this post seems creepy after all the previous ones that I have written. But I had to pay my own little tribute to Bollywood some day or the other.

Love

I have always found inspiration in some person or the other. In every state and stage of life( here i mean school, college,office, housing society, etc)  there would always be these men and women ( sometimes much elder to me) who would suddenly become the person of my dreams. Yes its the obsession kind of thing. The falling in love kind of thing. Its not gender specific. It might or might not involve physical longing.

During this time there would be no one else i could possibly agree more to. These people would influence me with their intellectual prowess, the way they move around in the world. The admiration could possibly be stemming from the their following those principles/ ideals which i have always cherished. Or their complete disregard of some of those principles but strict adherance  to others. At one time, there would be only one of these people that i could possibly love. And the rest of the world would just fade away. Yes i am a one-man-woman woman( at one time). If its put that way.

Luckily, these people will know that i exist( i'm a morone you might think, but no read further please). Not only will they know, they will pamper me. And i would fall head over heels everytime i remembered how they had spoken about me or to me.

However, this fling would always end in a heartbreak with me realising that these people are not perfect. And i had just imagined a world that wasn't there.

Too abrupt an end? well, let it be. Just wanted to share this.

Just my terrace.

Its one at night. The night security guard whistles away breaking the silence and making me aware of how late it is. I have been wanting to go to sleep for an hour now. Not that i am sleepy. A strange joy has gripped me. I know i should be worried after the kind of  mini-shock today, but i have this light sensation. I don't know what it is...maybe its the entire night ambience on my terrace. The best thing about my house is my terrace. Two months back while house-hunting i had fallen in love with it, shifted within 6 days. Its not exactly luxurious but it suits me alright.  It was very rough then though. This pretty piece required a lot of hard work from my part, arguments with a lot of people including the landlord. I think I had to make more than 6-7 trips to all sorts of shops and markets and toil for about a month before this thing was just as i wanted it to be.
There is something about owning a place of your own. At the end of the day, you look back at your baby with pride. Life has been good that way. I mean till a few months back, for the entire 22 years of my life i have been asked to live in places that people had chosen for me. I mean ya after the choice was made my extra opinion was asked like to make it an icing on the cake, but that's about it.
Coming back to my lovely terrace. After a tiring day at the Eco School, as i sit with a mug of tea( yes i'm not a coffee person) in the twilight and look into the depths of the horizon or just the the numerous activities going on in the neighbourhood, all my exhaustion is washed away. I sit down sometimes with a book or two or the newspaper. I sit there until its dark. Make a few long distance phone calls with some latest or old Bollywood numbers(playing on my phone) in between the call gaps and come back inside by 8 ready to go through the next reading or solve the next pair of dynamic equations. I do come out at times and do a jig or two ( if the day had been real good) celebrating my terrace and the sudden answer that my mind churns out to the question  which been bugging me since some class in the day. Its dark. So nobody watches me dance. Or so i hope...
Then after cooking dinner, n having it, cleaning everything up, i again find another excuse to go out to this amazing terrace of mine. That happens while brushing my teeth. And it goes on for 15 mins. Recently dad had come and we chatted every evening( of his stay) about everything. And we told each other at the end of every discussion how beautiful my terrace was.
A friend of mine had come to Delhi to appear for some entrance n i had invited her to my place(it was just 2 weeks into my shifting, you so can imagine the mess everything was in but all that made it all the more fun) and we stayed awake all night discussing life ..where else,on my terrace! i mean a 10 min chat had got stretched so LOONG..such is my terrace.
Let me give you an idea of what all you are likely to see from my terrace. You can see tall trees both planted on the lane and from the parks nearby, beautiful happening balconies (so if ur own life is dull, just go out and you'll watch punjabi moms with children of all ages, an old man fidgeting with his old radio, a boy parking his bike while his dad drives in with the weeks grocery, children playing, vendors moving in and out and what not), cars ( well they are a watch too) of all brands and sub-brands and ofcourse the stars above when you lie down at night. But this doesn't describe it all. There is something about the place. Some POSITIVE vibe as my designer friend who had once visited had said. Maybe it is the source of my happiness that inspired this lazy being enough to blog about it.
Now that i write it down, i am gripped with this sudden urge to go out again. The night air is beautiful and seductive.... And, oops i just remembered i haven't brushed yet. So all the more reason! :)

For a moment's affair

I cherished it each time our eyes met. My dark brown vs your black. I was much your junior. 

You would come to call me whenever your department needed me. The lounge wouldn't have been the same without your magical presence. I would go on and on talking and you would look at me with a certain indifference or 'non-indifference' I couldn't quite gauge. As if you were deep in thought. I wasn't sure if that was liking from your side or plain curiosity. I enjoyed the atttention nevertheless. After all you were handsome and one of the few young bankers there.

  But just like every other flow, i know it is not here to stay. 

 So the moments that our eyes meet next, I am going to cherish.

you called me?

Yours and Mine

Sickness.

It always makes me remind of you

My fever?

Its yours.

Impertinence.

It will always make you remind of me

Your vanity?

Its mine.

Brilliance.

It always makes me remind of you

My enthusiam?

Its yours.

Indifference.

It will always make you remind of me

Your shame?

Its mine.

I work, I am common as is the majority

Okay, so i'm powerless, i'm common
I wake up every morning
And read the newspaper.

I read about all the powerful people
I read about all the rich people
All that they do
Or plan to do
For me, for us.

I also read they've done
What they shouldn't have
They've twisted things their way
They've made a pact of their own.

A cycle that none of them plan to break.
They've taken our money
And used as their own
They've taken our trust
And pulverized it.

I read all this
The betrayal
The depth
The manipulation
I remain unfazed.

I take my usual bus
I go to work.
I work,oh yes, I work.

One power group goes out,
Another sets in,
The group that wins the war
Of money and power.
I work.

For i'm the majority.
For i have the responsibility
Of the next day.
That whatever happens,
Life should not stop.

I work
For no matter what they say or do,
The next day would come
And bring with it
Its commonality
For the commons to carry forward.

Again, the first time

I stood there again

Licking my wounds

(liking my wounds ?)

I dont learn the next time

Because there's no next time for me

Its always the first time

I dont want to be experienced

(i dont want to be old?)

You were there then

You weren't there

I believed you weren't there

(but you were there?)

I recognised it

The moment i impressed you

( i challenged you?)

It was good

You and me

Something that never could have lasted

( i felt secure?)

I told you a lot of times

You told me a lot of times

That we were soulmates.

( we were classmates?)

The usual waves crashed

Anger and avoidance

You left, I too got up

Time to move on

( i always knew?)

So there i stood again

On that same road,

Licking my wounds the third time.

( waiting for another first?)